I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
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