I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
