its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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