Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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