I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
