I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
When did angry sex become our thing?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
