Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
