I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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