I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
