Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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