The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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