am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
May the power of my ass compel you!!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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