how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
