I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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