I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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