Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
