Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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