oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
