HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
false alarm, still single
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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