Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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