Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
