I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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