On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i permit you to call me
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
