Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
