I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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