I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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