My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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