Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
