She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
