I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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