Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
