so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
