I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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