I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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