i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
