Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
