we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
