I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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