This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Semen is not good for contacts.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
