Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
