I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
