That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
