Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
