My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
