rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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