I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
he's gonorrhea incarnate
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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