sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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