Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Is Oprah even human
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
