Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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