remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
