I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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